04-27-10

Had a great drive home over a beautiful pass and it was even raining. Winter is over and spring is in the air even though we are getting storms in Oregon. What is on the creation front? What is a safe place to create from? A big realization came in the landscape of the canyons and mountains, along with the vast flat desert plains. I had trouble sleeping a couple of nights. The strangest dreams that were full length movies. I blogged about it yesterday. But the realization today after nursing a stress headache from 2>00am and getting in a whirlpool tub at 6:30 am with Advil running through my veins, was I really hadn't realized the devastation of my so called failure in LA. I was holding on to what I was once. A well known actress in my own right. I was known to be Portlands best and then did well in LA about 10 years ago. And now I came back to Oregon with my tail between my legs. I have had anxiety around any auditions, with any kind of name people and real happy just to not audition. FAILURE, and LOSER were big Boulders I was hanging onto. I was still trying to fit into that mold or person I was years ago. I was pretending and hiding that I really had lost my confidence that I had years ago when that is all I had on my table was...I was an actress. I had class, I taught, I auditioned and I worked. Well LA put a stop to some of that. I couldn't get an audition, I did teach and I did cast. I did produce also. But never a network audition, the managers and agents couldn't get any in. I wasn't in class as a student. I had a reputation to maintain and I can't do it anymore. I am humbled and I am where I am right at this moment. I don't care if people think I failed, that I just couldn't make it. It is an ego thing and I was working so hard at keeping that and I am not that any more. Thank God. I am just who I am at this moment and I don't have to have anxiety over acting or pretending to be what I once was. I am not that anymore and I don't care what anyone thinks of that.
My challenge to you today is to see what you think your reputation is and is it a shadow that you try and pretend to be and that is not who you truly are anymore. It is a tough road to go when you are living a reputation. You are not your reputation. You are not your age, you are not your name, you are not your body. What are you? You are a spiritual being living in a human body. And believe me that is not an easy job for anyone. Give up your reputation and be who and what you are right now and know that is enough and go from there. Humble yourself to right now.