01-05-10

I was excited yesterday and I had another breakthrough this morning. That little scared child within me that has been hiding for way to many years made herself seen. This child remembers having her first lucid thought at 3 years old where she felt smart, powerful and making complete sense. She still had that connection to the essence of life and felt true and a real sense of being as she communicated how she felt in a certain situation. Well she was knocked down for standing up in what she felt true, without any explanation except, "When I tell you to do something you do it."

Before that night I felt safe, loved, enough, good and actually loved this planet. I go blank on the actual action of a spanking, or beating or whatever it was, I just remember sitting in the dark stairweld and making the decision that, "I know how to stay safe in this house, I simply do everything that they say". At that moment where I couldn't trust my mom to keep me safe and my father who I adored hit me, humiliated me in front of the nieighbors must not love me anymore and I am bad, no good and it is not safe to be me. From that day on I hid away, only doing what they said. My energy level fell, I wasn't the happy go lucky child anymore. This has haunted me all my life. I have continued making myself a victim from one small decision I made as a child. CAN YOU RELATE TO THAT? Creativity is difficult from the perception that you can't trust who you love, it isn't safe to be you, you are bad or not good enough.

I have come to find that these kinds of thoughts are a part of being human. You have all heard it before, we are our own worst enemies. Well sometimes we are.

She has feared for her life for so long and hid so deep within me, she shakes and cry's and has a hard time trusting me. I let her hide for all these years. We made new memories of that fateful day where I gave up that precious part of me. We made up a whole new scene and felt the feelings of being a smart, powerful girl standing in what she thought was right. And her mom instead of having her beaten explained why it would be a good idea to pick up what the neighbor boy had spilled. Little me was more than happy to help someone, but to do something just because they said so made no sense to a 3 year old. Of course I know I was not doing what my parents said and I know I defied their wishes and I also know the punishment was way harsher that what I had or hadn't done. My mother said so until her passing. I never got another spanking again. All my dad ever said even until I was 18 was remember the Orange Peels (that is what the neighbor boy spilled and I was asked to pick them up) My 3 year old logic was why do I have to pick them up when Gary spilt them. " Because I said so", was the answer.

I love my inner child, I la la la love her, I will keep her safe and i WILL let her dress the way she wants to from time to time.

That is my challenge to you, Think back to when you were 2-4 and see if you made any decisions that may not be working for you anymore. Then write them and rewrite them so that you can have a good feeling and change your life today. Because we are living today. This is to not disregard these things that aren't so pleasant, but they do not serve you today. The other Challenge is to figure out what that little person would wear if they could dress anyway they want. I have jeans on, cowboy boots a dress over the jeans and a jacket. LET'S PLAY!!